Some questions for myself, but also for anyone else who is interested:
You have built self-discipline. Are you happier than you were as a child?
What are you trying to keep out of consciousness? Do you realize that it will push at you with more and more force, until you let it in?
Jesus said, "That which you have will save you if you bring it forth from yourselves. That which you do not have within you will kill you if you do not have it within you." -Gospel of Thomas. You will lose what is inside you if you do not bring it forth.